A welcome break

I have been really struggling lately. Although I haven't ever technically been diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I don't think many people would guess this about me. I do a pretty good job of "faking it" in public....when I actually make it into public that is. I get extremely depressed during the cold winter months and this year has been unusually hard. On top of these struggles, there have been a number of other things that have added extra stress to my plate......the kids have been sick sooooo much more this winter than they normally are, the house has been a mess ever since we started our basement project (which anybody who knows me well knows that I can't function in that sort of atmosphere), plus I'm still dealing with a sort of "loss of identity" from being released from Young Women's (yes, I still cry from time to time), and last but not least having three extra bodies living in our household. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having the Corbett's here, but it definitely adds a whole lot of extra stress.

Things seemed to be getting a little better the last couple weeks. The sun started shining more, it was getting warmer outside......and then yesterday it snowed again! The past couple days have been HORRIBLE! I have spent a lot of time in my room the past couple days just crying. It's so hard to understand for those who have never dealt with depression. It frustrates me so much when I come across someone who has no empathy for depression. They think it's all in your head and it's just an issue of mind over matter. It's not! Trust me, I don't want to feel this way. I HATE feeling this way! Yesterday was the worst. The kids were out of school and I had all these plans of fun things I wanted to do with them. Besides the snow ruining a few plans, I woke up with an unsurmountable overwhelming feeling. Because of feeling this way I didn't end up doing ANY of the things I had planned with the kids, which gave me an enormous load of GUILT on top of the crappy way I was already feeling. And then the next thing I know I have what felt like the entire neighborhood at my house. I wanted just to send them all home, but the girls were having fun and I felt like letting them stay was a way I could make it up to the girls for not doing any of the things we had planned. The house was already a disaster and having all of them over certainly didn't help. I had to try so hard to be patient because I didn't want to yell at any children that weren't mine and have them go home and tell their parents how mean I am.

Today we had planned to be going to the Draper Temple open house and I really wanted to go with the right spirit. I went to sleep praying that I would wake up with all of the yucky feelings gone. But I was not so lucky. The morning seemed to instantly get off to a bad start. Again it just seemed like nothing was going right and everything just felt way too overwhelming and complicated. I wanted to crawl back into bed and not wake up. Finally I sat down and prayed and prayed and prayed. I poured my heart out to my Father in heaven begging for him to hear my pleas and send me some peace and comfort. Then I sat down and opened my scriptures and read exactly what I needed to hear. For a moment I finally felt a sense of comfort. I thought I had finally gotten out of my dark hole. But no. The next few hours were filled with a lot of self-loathing and frustration.....and more tears. But then we left to go to the Temple open house and as soon as we got there, the peace finally came. As soon as we got inside, I just had an overwhelming feeling of the spirit. It felt so nice to finally have a GOOD overwhelming feeling. Oh man, it is just so beautiful and peaceful! And best of all, ALL the children behaved. A couple months ago I went with Lisa and we took Logan and Peyton. They were both being such menaces that it was hard to focus and sink it all in. But this time I was able to. I almost didn't want to go because I didn't want that feeling to end. It was SUCH a nice, welcome break!


I'm sure I will still continue to have my struggles (a lot of it is likely to depend on how long the yucky snow and bitter temperatures last!), but it was a nice reminder that whenever I am feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I just need to go to the temple. I am so thankful for the temple and I am so thankful to be living in an area where I have 5 temples (soon to be 6) within 40 minutes of me. What an amazing blessing!